As I wait for my moon blood, I feel the ‘push me pull me’ energy of the waxing moon against the inward descent of my waning energy, guiding me deep within. Two strong and powerful opposing energies, dancing together as my cycle realigns to a new rhythm. It is in these times of intense feeling and processing that I often find myself in deep states of raw and tender openness, where the heart begins to speak a language that can only be heard when the outer shell of resilience begins to crumble. As I write this post I’m feeling raw and open, like I could easily fall into a heap, but as I surrender more deeply into the feeling, I just feel such open awe and beauty for the gift of feeling itself.
I’m pondering how deeply the association of a feeling becomes linked to a psychological imprint. Deep emotions are conditioned to fit into boxes labelled with our stories of suffering, because this helps the mind to make sense of that emotion, providing a familiar comfort zone in the perceived discomfort. The mind begins to play out the conversation of inner turmoil associated with that feeling, reinforcing what it knows to be true.
The more I allow myself to feel fully, without fear or resistance, the more I am learning the power of these great emotions, like waves in the ocean, rather than psychological associations. To feel these feelings as waves of energy rippling through my body, purely as sensations without the attachment to a story, is a powerful force to behold. It creates a space in which the feeling can reveal all of its teachings with the opportunity for new ways of being to develop within the relationship.
Beyond the deep well of pain that comes with grief, there is a cracking open that happens, as the heart breaks into pieces. Here there is a tenderness so delicate and broken, yet so soft and open, creating a fracture within the darkness for the light to shine through. I have felt the beauty that lies within these places, when I have surrendered myself to its force, beyond the imprint of the mind.
I have faced deep fears within myself, the knotted terror in my stomach so tight and contracted that it felt too much to bare. Fear rips through the body, savage and relentless, resistance to its power feeding the force of its destruction. I had a moment as I sat with the feeling of fear and recognised it for its power. I began to wonder what would happen if I harnessed this power as pure energy, feeling it as a force that I could work with and use, rather than allowing it to cripple me. My story of terror became a practice and a meditation of pure feeling and as I melted into its core I recognised my own power in its creation. My perception of its feeling turned from resistance to resilience, fuelling my internal fire of strength and capability. I was experiencing the same feeling and the same forceful energy, with a choice for a different perspective.
I’m realising more and more that perspective and perception are the key to freedom. The choice is always ours to make, but often the knotted tangled threads of the mind get in the way of finding the way through unfamiliar territory, hugging the well-worn footpaths we’ve travelled all along. Yet how often do we hear the saying ‘I’ve changed my mind’? Just like that, we can decide in any given moment how to perceive a feeling or situation. It is only the mind that tells us that sorrow and loneliness are ‘painful’, rather than just perceiving them as powerful feelings that take us to the edge of our comfort zone and knowing, stretching us into deeper realms of our being. What if we stopped labelling a feeling as good or bad, painful or pleasant and just felt it as a force? Within the vast landscape of these layered and rich emotions, there are endless possible ways to experience and journey with any given feeling, each one leading to a different cross road, each one raw and pure in its teachings. To feel so deeply is the gift of experience in this human form; rich, layered, embodied and magnificent in its constantly unravelling beauty. To feel for the gift of feeling, to journey for the gift of life, invites in the gratitude for the constantly unfolding mystery of life’s mastery, the power of our own creative spirit and the knowing that this is the path leading us to our internal freedom.